Boredom Isn't Real

Covid 19. I'm sure you've all heard of it by now. We can't open our phones or turn on the television without hearing about the Coronavirus every four seconds. It's a worldwide pandemic that's shut down our social engagements, our work schedules, and quite frankly, our lives. It's the equivalent to a zombie apocalypse scare that's kept us boarded in our homes like a George Romero movie. While precaution and information are real and important measures, I'm not here to further the endless watering down of this disease with scare tactics. What I'm here to do is to get us to use this downtime in the most effective ways. In every tragedy, there's an opportunity. But in every tragedy, there's also a myriad of different reactions by different types of individuals. I want to debunk one of the most common statements I've seen lately: "I'm so bored". Let me be harshly direct here, boredom isn't real.

Yes, everyone is entitled to deal with tragedies in their own manner. An abrupt change in our daily lives is a jarring and stressful thing. But inside this scary abyss lays a blessing. Since some of us are being forcefully halted from work, and all of us are being locked out of our social gatherings, we have a sudden surplus of time thrown into our laps. How we choose to spend that time is up to us. But to waste it laying around in boredom, is another form of tragedy. Let me delve into why boredom isn't real.

I don't want to lose some of you here with this potentially divisive hot-take, but I must be harsh in order to be clear. People that say they're "bored" are either lazy, confused, or dreadfully unimaginative. There are an endless cornucopia of options at your feet, even when you're stuck in the house. How about taking the time to learn that instrument you've always wished you could play? How about writing, whether it's a new book/movie or poem/journal? What about painting or drawing? With endless time and endless "how to" tutorials on the internet (like WikiHow and YouTube, for starters), we have thousands of teachers and examples for everything you could ever want to learn.

But let's take the creatives out of this for a second. Not everyone is born with the same type of ingenuity or creativity. There are still a plethora of things to catch up on. What about calling that relative you've been promising to stay in touch with? What about cleaning out the garage and finally getting to that kitchen reorganization project? Why not start reading that stack of books on the shelf that are collecting dust? How about looking online for some workouts you can do to stay in shape while the gyms are closed? Now I get it, some people aren't lazy, they just simply don't know where to start. For those people, I implore you to make a list. Sit down and organize a list of things that need done so that you can fill your time productively. You'll feel better and more accomplished instead of overwhelmed in front of the news media.

I'm not shaming the people that want to do self-care things either. There's nothing AT ALL wrong with getting more sleep, binging some movies and playing some video games. We need time to be in ease and enjoyment as well. It's about a healthy balance. So instead of being glued to the TV and feeling helpless, start to fill these valuable days with things that will make you feel less stressed and more useful. As the nation heals from this virus and time passes, we can do the things that start to make our lives feel more complete as well. These are the times that we create the building blocks that will be the foundation that we bounce back on. Be well, my friends. Every day is one step closer to healing.

-Jason Burke 

You Can't Control Others

This is one of the hardest lessons I'll ever talk about on this blog. Not just because it's a disheartening thought that can make you feel both irate and defeated all at once. But mainly because it's a lesson that I haven't quite mastered yet myself. I'm learning and relearning it every day of my existence, and it never stops being cruel. How you treat others has no bearing on how they will treat you. That is a point that I will emphasize over and over in this writing. It doesn't matter what you do, people will respond to you however they want to. 

This cold but realistic principle holds true in any type of relationship. Let's first look at dating. Have you ever been in a relationship where you did everything possible for your partner, and yet they still cheated on you? What about going out of your way to sacrifice and create special moments, only to have your partner nitpick something and ruin the night? That is intrinsic to the human condition of most people. Everyone is wired differently, and not everyone holds the same levels of priority and appreciation. Just because you're giving graciously, does not mean they will be good receivers. 

The same thing goes for friendships. Someone asks you for advice on a rough situation they're in, so you drop whatever you're doing to talk on the phone with them for hours, or put your own work on hold to meet them for drinks. You talk until you're blue in the face, and it seems they've understood and listened to you. Then they turn around and either entirely ignore your heartfelt advice, or somehow make you the scapegoat because you didn't say exactly what they wanted to hear. What about jobs? We often stay late to work overtime, sacrificing our bodies and social lives. This in turn, doesn't get us the adulation and bonus check we deserve, but instead more work and more stress while others call off around us. Unfair, isn't it? But that's the shattering truth here. How you treat others has no bearing on how they will treat you.

Until this thought kicks into your own brain, you will continue bending over backwards and feeling helpless at the result. Not everyone will think or react like you, and you have to stop assuming they will. It doesn't matter how many selfless things you do for someone, it may not be the exact selfless act that they want in that moment. Or there may be one time that you can't help someone, and suddenly they'll focus on that instead of the thousand times that you did help. How do you get over the hurt of that? Quite honestly, you don't. It may get easier in time, but it will always sting every time it happens. That's the vulnerability of human nature. But instead I offer a counter to help heal you. Do those things anyway, but do them for YOU. 

It's true: How you treat others has no bearing on how they will treat you. So maybe you can't win someone's love or appreciation with the things you do for them. But what's also true is that you can define who you are by being someone who loves and helps other people. People suck sometimes, but you can feel better in knowing that you did all you could to make their lives better. So maybe you lost your partner who you gave everything to, but at least you don't have to wonder what else you could've done. Maybe your friend ignored your advice, but take solace in knowing that you gave your best words to comfort them when they needed you. Being a good friend and a good partner says more about you than it does about anyone else. Be proud of yourself for the quality human being that you are. The beauty is in the attempt, no matter what the results are. So focus on the fact that you gave, no matter how they received. That mentality will eventually garner you not only happier relationships with better quality people, but also a newfound pride in yourself for doing the right thing no matter the circumstance. 

I hope you all will learn this as I do my best to learn it along with you. Peace and love everyone, and please stay healthy and safe during this Coronavirus scare. 

-Jason Burke

Your Anxiety Is A Liar

For those of us that grew up in the 70s, 80s, and 90s, times were far simpler than they are today. We ran around in the dirt and drank out of the hose, not worrying about germs. We ate whatever our moms made for dinner and snacked in front of the TV, giving no thought to whether or not it was carb-loaded or gluten free. Our bodies ran on an endless marathon of playtime, and were shut off only by the streetlights turning on, or the sound of our parents screaming for us down the street. Our sadness came when our parents wouldn't let our best friend sleep over. There was no notable anxiety or depression, we were merely upset when our parents wouldn't give us money to chase the ice cream man...and that feeling faded in about 3 or 4 seconds. 

So with the invention of modern technology and added platforms to expose things, came the raised awareness of anxiety. This, in itself, was a blessing. For people who'd been feeling horrible for years, there was now a pinpoint and a place to talk about it. Educating the community on biases, diseases, and mental health is simply one of the greatest things to come out of the 21st century. But as we grow more aware of how to control and subdue these inner demons, they also have found new ways of controlling us. So let me say this up front, Your Anxiety Is A Liar. 

Anxiety is defined as a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome. Per the ADAA, 40 million adults in the United States suffer from anxiety, or over 18% of the population. Anxiety has a way of making people fear or regret things they'd normally learn from or look forward to. It tells you that co-workers don't like you. It tells you that your art isn't good enough. It tells you to stay home and cancel plans with your friends. It tells you that you're a failure. And it's wrong.

To those that are making an honest living, that's a very tough thing to do. You're working to support yourself, and that takes a lot of energy. To those that are painting, writing, playing instruments, or running their own business, be proud. You're doing what most aren't brave enough or equipped enough to do, and you're using long hours to put a service back into the community. To those with a lacking social life, don't blame yourselves just because life has gotten in the way of other people. It's no reflection on you. 

Now I know that simply saying "be proud of yourselves" or "don't be so affected" isn't going to quell these feelings of doubt. That's not how anxiety works. Everyone combats their anxiety in different ways. So try staying busy with new hobbies. Try groups or dating sites, or journals. Get rest, get water, get doctors, and if you need medication, get that too. Do whatever it takes to be healthy and self-sustainable. Talk about your problems, and work with others to find whatever solutions best suit you. But know that the nagging voice inside you that's telling you that you're not good enough is wrong. 

You're enough, just by existing. You're unique and you bring a color and a flavor into other's lives that literally nobody else can. You're one of one. And you've survived a lot already in your time on earth. So if "all" you do today is survive another day, I'm proud of you, and so is everyone else in your life. That fight, that strength, that effort...that's the voice that matters. 

Failure Is Your Friend

Failure is one of the biggest and most common fears that a lot of us suffer from. We look at it as a finality, a black mark on our achievement records, and we let it devalue us. We don't often fear the fall of taking a risk, we fear the metaphorical splat of failure. But what if I told you that there were very few things to aid you in your journey as well as failure?

The examples go back as far as the beginning of our upbringings. Our parents tell us not to touch the hot stove; so what do our rebellious, uninformed little bodies do? We go and touch the hot stove. And what happens? We burn our hands and run screaming back to our parents for the obligatory "I told you so." But it's this simple: there's a lesson in every mistake. There's some growth in every failure. The next time we think about touching that stove, we're reminded of the time we got burned in the past.

There are a lot of people and places to learn from: home, work, school, church, friends, etc. But a lot of the things that stick with us the most are the things we've learned from our own pasts. The times we got it wrong. Nobody likes to feel like they've lost or they aren't good enough. It's human nature to want to be loved and viewed as successful. So these shortcomings hurt. Badly! But they prepare us for the next path in our lives.

Maybe the job we always wanted wasn't quite the right fit, so the failure of getting fired set us up for a better job. Maybe the person you thought you loved hurt you and wasn't right for you, and it didn't make sense until you found your true soulmate. Maybe you lost a childhood friend who you outgrew, but that made room for new friends who "adult you" has more in common with. It takes the sting of failure (and sometimes even a long, healing, non-linear pit of despair) for our minds to really trigger the lessons that come along with that. Going forward, you subconsciously take those stings with you, and you can now spot the signs of negative things far faster than you could before.

Lessons and growth aren't easy, and it'd be irresponsible of me to tell you that they ever get easier. But every wrong turn makes your view of the world-map a little bigger. So allow yourself to fail, and forgive yourself in the process. Take comfort in knowing that every other human on earth has failed too, even the legends you look up to. As the path begins to become rife with clarity, you'll be able to sit with those past failures and laugh with them, like an old friend. 

Is It Really A New You?

As the calendar once again marches toward the end of December, you'll notice an abundance of "new year, new me" posts on your social media feeds. I posted a blog last year about why the change of year doesn't have any bearing on your choices and lifestyle. But the turnover COULD provide the impetus for a fresh start, if you choose to take action. Before you start pretending like the year is the reason for your misfortunes, realize that time is mostly a pressurized concept that we apply to ourselves. But our human nature dictates that we must compete with others and do things by a certain clock, and the stress of meeting those self-imposed deadlines can destroy us. Let's look at some ways for you to actively make 2019 a great year, instead of just talking about it.

1. Enter The Year Without Clutter

I talk a lot about clutter in these blogs. Clutter is extra baggage that we carry around that weighs us down and puts unnecessary pressure on us. Clutter can be found in the form of a disorganized home, toxic relationships, extra bills, or needed closure, among other things. About twice a year I go through my life and de-clutter. I delete old messages, clean up my social media, empty out my old bill drawers, and rid my life of toxic people who are hurting me. There's always a sense of pride and calmness that goes into having a tidy life, and doing that to kick off the new year may give you a sense of a fresh start. Get rid of the unneeded weights in your life so that you can access all the things you need in 2019.

2. Take Pride In Your Body

A lot of our self-worth can be tied to our bodies in today's world. A lot of us are constantly without energy and constantly down on ourselves due to our image. Loving your body, for WHATEVER it is, will raise both your self-esteem and your energy. Now, that's easier said than done, I know. But there's no better time than the new year to start (and stick to) a plan that benefits you. If you're having body pain that circulation and weight have a bearing on, start on a gym membership. If you're tight and need to move around after sitting at that desk job all day, there's a plethora of yoga options to try out. If you feel like you'd have more body confidence after dropping ten pounds, walk around the block daily and adopt a diet plan. All of our bodies are different, but they shouldn't be a source of stress or pain to us. Some people are restricted to the types of things they can do to feel healthier. If you're not, now is a great time to check out what works for you. You'll notice so many improvements in the coming weeks and months.

3. Happiness: The Most Important Goal

What would my self-help blog be without a reference to happiness? I assure you, this isn't an after-school special on PBS. But the biggest way to ensure that you're a happier and more productive person in 2019 is by seeking out the things you love, and cutting out the things that breed anger and sadness. That's the principal that this whole blog series was founded upon. Now you're saying "this one seems too general, what does it mean?" Well, it means if you hate your job, actively start the process of finding and applying for a new one. It means if you're in a friendship or relationship that's one-sided and constantly negative, end it. It means if you have a project you've been dying to get to but have been putting off for years, force yourself to start it. Even if it means just 15 minutes per day. It means taking the time to forgive yourself, and forgive others. Don't just say "everything's bad" and play the victim, and don't just absorb the negativity with a bad attitude. Sit down and examine what is wrong in your life, WHY it's wrong, and map out what you can DO to fix it.

Taking action is the only way to create change. You can't speak it into existence, and you can't just expect a new year to bring new fortunes. But by identifying the areas that need improvements and taking steps to make those improvements happen, you'll quickly notice that 2019 could be the year for a "new" you. Thank you all for reading my blog this year, and I wish you all a successful and love-filled new year. See you in 2019.

-Jason Burke   

Spotting A Toxic Relationship

Love is perhaps the most powerful and sought-after emotion on the planet. No matter how independent or otherwise prioritized we are, the overwhelming majority of us want to find romantic love at some point in our lives. The desire to find someone to share our trials and triumphs with is human nature in its purest form. But sometimes, we get blinded by those desires. We get so caught up in finding a mate or having a quick connection with someone that we overlook signs that this person isn't the right one FOR US. There could be a million excuses to ignore the signs: you may have property, finances, a pet or a child with this person. You may hate the dating scene or want to avoid a messy break-up. You may not want to be alone, or force yourself to see only the good in this partner. But a toxic relationship is truly a stressful and dangerous thing that needs to be taken care of immediately. Here are some signs for spotting this kind of situation in your life.

1. Being scolded for having friends: This one is the most common in toxic partners. People that are toxic in relationships are often very possessive, and want your attention entirely on them. So they'll get extremely angry or jealous when you go to spend time with a friend. Our friends help us through tough times and make up a part of who we are in our memories and experiences. Our partners should love us for having friends, and be happy that we have people in our lives that care about us. The toxic partners will try to take those away and make you feel guilty for being around them, because they want you to be entirely dependent on them alone.

2. Being spoken to disrespectfully: Having arguments in relationships is totally healthy. No two people will ever agree on every single issue. But as adults, we must always be respectful of others' feelings and cognizant of their tender spots. A toxic partner is one that will start swearing at you, being very aggressive, and taking low shots at things that you're sensitive about. Toxic people want the upper hand, and they'll do or say irrational things to get that advantage. They'll store up a list of your faults and use your shortcomings against you, and then apologize later as they try to rationalize why they said it, and deflect the blame onto you. This process repeats itself in any point of contention, so the more passive partner just gives in because they want to avoid a fight. This is verbal and emotional abuse, and can be often times just as harmful (or worse) than physical abuse.

3. Only doing what one partner wants to do: Functional relationships thrive on compromise, a healthy give-and-take between two open-minded people who want to experience the things that the other loves. This can't be a one-sided construct. So if one partner is a homebody and the other is a social butterfly, it takes work to occasionally leave your comfort zone to appease your partner. That butterfly shouldn't be forced to sit in the house every night, and that homebody shouldn't always be drug to the bar. You should be able to converse about how to alternate these activities so that neither partner has to sacrifice who they are or feel stifled. Also, you should be able to do things on occasion without your partner. A couple doesn't have to be attached at the hip 24/7. Independence and separate hobbies/friends is healthy concept.

4. Having to change your behavior: Positive relationships will help you to learn a lot about yourself and evolve. You'll find things out about yourself and your partner that you love, and some that you don't like. So you'll work together through kind communication to be a better person for yourself and for your loved one. But if you're having to cease a normal lifestyle because your partner will fight with you, that's where the unhealthy abuse comes in. If you have to check in every hour, that's abuse. If you can't go out for coffee with family or sit in silence for a twenty minutes, that's abuse. If you walk around every day thinking that everything you do in your normal life is going to trigger a fight with your partner, that's abuse. You're in a relationship, not a prison. If your partner hates everything you do, sprint out of that relationship as fast as you can.

5. Not supporting your successes: A partner is like a best friend, in that they are meant to elevate you and make you feel better about yourself. You should be growing with them, and feeling at peace with them. When you achieve something, they are supposed to share your pride and encourage you to continue to strive. When you are down, they are supposed to comfort you with uplifting advice and affection. If your partner is putting down your accomplishments or ever making you feel like a lesser person, they're toxic. If they're judging you when you're down and blaming you for things when you're low, they're toxic. Toxic people want to strip away all the good things in your life that make you whole, so that they can make you feel like they're the only one who loves you. If they take away the people and things that you love, they have the power of being the only thing you can turn to.

So I hope this helps people. Never settle, and always know your worth. Be with someone who makes you feel like you can do anything, and wants to experience all that life has to offer, together. Be with someone who loves you for who you already are, and supports you in all that you do. Wait for a real, true, mature love. It's worth it, and so are you...

-Jason Burke

Finding Your Passions

Happiness. That's the goal of life. That's the number one path that we all aspire to. That's the reason I write this self-help blog. It's an elusive dangling carrot that hangs just out of reach for a lot of us. There are a million avenues to find happiness, but how? How do we connect with the peaceful and joyful emotions that make us feel truly elated? One of the most important ways, is to find the things you love.

We all make career choices. Some of us are thrust into our careers by being placed into hobbies at a young age, or being asked to follow in the footsteps of our parents' family business. Others choose their jobs based on what they're naturally good at. Some just go where the cash is. But whether it's a 9-5 money-maker or a time consuming side hobby, we need to fill our space with things that fill our hearts. Those things you think about from the time you open your eyes in the sunlight, to the time your head hits the pillow in the darkest night. The things you take random notes on during the day, that you can't wait to clock out and rush home to do.

As we grow, we start to gain personalities and voices of our own. We live life, and we experience many different things. When we connect to one of those things, we are shaken to our core and magnetically drawn to those activities. Finding your passions is perhaps the most important (and understated) way to finding happiness. Life will have it's drawbacks, chores, and concerns, no matter what. But doing what you love provides so many values in self-help. It's good for morale, stress, productivity, and mental stimulation.

So many people put off these things because they're "too busy" and they'll "get to them when they have time". What are you waiting for? Happiness is just as important as all the tasks you're pushing it off for. Life is a speedy clock, draining years from our youth in seconds. Pursue what you love, and find your voice. You deserve to be happy and feel worthwhile. Experience as many places, cultures, hobbies, and people as you can. Learn from it all, and balance your life so that you have at least a few minutes in every day to be edified, growing, and joyful inside the things that make up who you are. The things you love are a major piece of your upbringing and your personality. And those pieces need nourished and worked on as much (if not more) than your bank account, your house, and your job.

Life is a collection of moments and experiences. Don't lose the most important ones filling a quota instead of being happy with the things you enjoy. Love yourself, and each other. Until next time,

-Jason