You Can't Control Others

This is one of the hardest lessons I'll ever talk about on this blog. Not just because it's a disheartening thought that can make you feel both irate and defeated all at once. But mainly because it's a lesson that I haven't quite mastered yet myself. I'm learning and relearning it every day of my existence, and it never stops being cruel. How you treat others has no bearing on how they will treat you. That is a point that I will emphasize over and over in this writing. It doesn't matter what you do, people will respond to you however they want to. 

This cold but realistic principle holds true in any type of relationship. Let's first look at dating. Have you ever been in a relationship where you did everything possible for your partner, and yet they still cheated on you? What about going out of your way to sacrifice and create special moments, only to have your partner nitpick something and ruin the night? That is intrinsic to the human condition of most people. Everyone is wired differently, and not everyone holds the same levels of priority and appreciation. Just because you're giving graciously, does not mean they will be good receivers. 

The same thing goes for friendships. Someone asks you for advice on a rough situation they're in, so you drop whatever you're doing to talk on the phone with them for hours, or put your own work on hold to meet them for drinks. You talk until you're blue in the face, and it seems they've understood and listened to you. Then they turn around and either entirely ignore your heartfelt advice, or somehow make you the scapegoat because you didn't say exactly what they wanted to hear. What about jobs? We often stay late to work overtime, sacrificing our bodies and social lives. This in turn, doesn't get us the adulation and bonus check we deserve, but instead more work and more stress while others call off around us. Unfair, isn't it? But that's the shattering truth here. How you treat others has no bearing on how they will treat you.

Until this thought kicks into your own brain, you will continue bending over backwards and feeling helpless at the result. Not everyone will think or react like you, and you have to stop assuming they will. It doesn't matter how many selfless things you do for someone, it may not be the exact selfless act that they want in that moment. Or there may be one time that you can't help someone, and suddenly they'll focus on that instead of the thousand times that you did help. How do you get over the hurt of that? Quite honestly, you don't. It may get easier in time, but it will always sting every time it happens. That's the vulnerability of human nature. But instead I offer a counter to help heal you. Do those things anyway, but do them for YOU. 

It's true: How you treat others has no bearing on how they will treat you. So maybe you can't win someone's love or appreciation with the things you do for them. But what's also true is that you can define who you are by being someone who loves and helps other people. People suck sometimes, but you can feel better in knowing that you did all you could to make their lives better. So maybe you lost your partner who you gave everything to, but at least you don't have to wonder what else you could've done. Maybe your friend ignored your advice, but take solace in knowing that you gave your best words to comfort them when they needed you. Being a good friend and a good partner says more about you than it does about anyone else. Be proud of yourself for the quality human being that you are. The beauty is in the attempt, no matter what the results are. So focus on the fact that you gave, no matter how they received. That mentality will eventually garner you not only happier relationships with better quality people, but also a newfound pride in yourself for doing the right thing no matter the circumstance. 

I hope you all will learn this as I do my best to learn it along with you. Peace and love everyone, and please stay healthy and safe during this Coronavirus scare. 

-Jason Burke