This one is surely going to be one of my most divisive pieces. Not everyone is going to like it, and some are even going to hate it. The current progressive world mantra is "I'm going to do whatever it takes to be happy, and I don't owe anybody else anything." That's simply not true. It's a wonderful thing that people are targeting healing, self-care, and happiness on their priority lists. Those things have often been on the back-burner for far too long. But there's a self-revolved narrative that sometimes goes along with this thought process that needs to be checked and dismantled.
People tend to see power and independence in the "I'm doing me, I don't have to answer to anyone" idea, but it can be quite the opposite. If you sign yourself up for a responsibility, a project, or a social gathering, then it is your duty to communicate when the terms of those things change. Meaning: if you are hired by somebody to do a job, and you no longer like the terms of that job, you are obligated to inform the employer that you no longer can/wish to do the job. The same goes for a date. If you're going out with friends to dinner, or meeting your latest Tinder match for drinks, you are obliged to communicate with them if you can't/don't want to go anymore. Once you've promised something, it becomes your responsibility to either cancel it timely, or see it through. Ghosting or flaking out or something isn't cute, it isn't woke, and it isn't something that other people should have to respect or get used to. It's irresponsible, childish, and potentially harmful.
Give some forethought to the people who now have to make up for the work that you're missing. What about your friends, who may now think of you as too flighty to be around anymore? Or your poor match at the bar who's now stuck doubting themselves and wondering if you'll ever show up? You have the power to affect someone's mood, workload, or sense of self-worth. Your actions matter, and they carry the massive weight of responsibility. Dismissing your poor lack of commitment and immaturity as just a part of your personality isn't empowering. You aren't entitled to come and go as you please, without warning or regard.
Now I know there are cases when entirely ghosting someone is important. If your partner is abusive and you need to flee to safety, do it hastily, and without warning. If you get sick or injured, then by all means, focus on your health before filling people in later. If someone you love is hurt, then be with them first before finding a moment to send your friends a text. I'm also not saying that canceling is bad. If you're tired or stressed and you realize that you can no longer handle whatever you've agreed to, then backing out is totally okay. There's maturity in that. I'm simply saying that you should have the courtesy to take ten seconds to inform the people that are relying on you of your change of heart. As long as the communication is prompt and honest, THEN you have the right to focus on whatever you choose. But you can never denigrate the other people in question that also have the right to communication, honesty, and closure.
Human compassion is a two way contract. If we expect people to give us the space to choose, and to respect our decisions, then we must respect them enough to tell them when something in our lives has changed. Once the communication is there, everyone is free to live more openly and fill their schedules exactly the way they see fit.
