The Power of Thought

I guess we all wake up with a different mindset than we used to, due to the pandemic. But what are the first thoughts to enter your mind as you open your eyes and your day begins to come into focus? The answer to that question may be impacting a lot more than you think.

First off, I'm sure most of us aren't getting enough sleep. As a child I used to hate sleeping, and if there's one thing I've learned as an adult, it's that we're ALL tired, ALL the time. With a lot of our lives, the wiggle room for extra sleep doesn't really exist. So we wake up tired, cursing ourselves for staying up to eat a 2AM snack and binging season 4 of that Netflix show the night before. Then we start to collect ourselves as our eyes adjust to the unforgiving light that's peering through our windows. That's the point when your thoughts really start to matter. Are you waking up stressed and dreading the day ahead, or are you looking at it as an opportunity to accomplish a ton of tasks?

There's an old saying: "Life is 10% of what happens to us, and 90% of how we react to it." There's no sugar-coating the fact that we're going to have some tough days. We're going to be busy, and it's going to seem like there's no way to knock out all of the many things we have to do on a given day. Life is going to throw more responsibilities on your already crowded plate. But how do you consume a plate when it's full? One bite at a time. 

Instead of waking up thinking "Oh God, this day is going to suck," try thinking "I'm lucky to be alive and to have the ability to do these things," and "I have a lot to do today, let's start with this thing first." Granted, I'm not trying to minimalize people's personal struggles or anxieties. But simple things like recounting your blessings and organizing a schedule can make an insurmountable day feel like an accomplished one.  First, think about the positive things in your life. Whether it's family, friends, pets, health, art, or whatever, we all have things to be thankful for. That alone is worth taking a deep breath and marinating in. Secondly, making a formal list of your tasks and taking them one at a time makes a huge difference. You'll be able to focus better on a singular job, and you'll start to feel lighter as you cross things off throughout the day.

It all comes back to that opening thought. Again, I know that mental health and trauma are far more complex than telling yourself it'll be okay. But starting your day off with the thought that it's going to suck, almost always ensures that it will. Attitude makes an impact, and your mind can be a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you take the time to appreciate you, and find a system that works for your productivity, you'll have a greater sense of pride and achievement. Starting your day off with a "Big day ahead, let's kick its butt" goes a long way toward a healthier mind and body. I wish you all productive days ahead.

Love yourselves, and each other,

-Jason Burke

Routines Lead To Dreams

Last time we spoke on here, I talked about the importance of filling your time with worthwhile things. Using this pandemic shutdown as a catalyst to catch up on the many things we've fallen behind on (family, housework, art, self-care) is good for not only our sense of productivity, but our personal health. Now we've gotten the news that some establishments are shutting down again, as the cases spike. It seems we may even be reverting back to a "yellow phase" of sorts. It's deflating, and it can throw us off of our game-plan. But routines lead to dreams.

What do I mean when I say "routines lead to dreams"? I mean the things we do every day, the ins and the outs of the grunt work, prepare us to have the lives we've always wanted. It's the work we do today that gets us ready for tomorrow. It would be so easy to feel defeated right now and just lay on the couch in a pit of self-pity. And from time to time, that's okay. We need days like that to recharge. But we also need to refocus. Life is all about finding the blessings inside the stressing.

So go for a walk, even if it's around the block or at the park down the street. Be out in the fresh air and get your blood flowing. That has a way of providing a sense of clarity and peace. Lay on your bed and think. But not about the things you did wrong in third grade, or about what you're ordering for takeout tonight. Think about the people in your life that love you, and the things that you've done that you should be proud of. Having alone time in the stillness really gives our bodies rest and resets our minds. 

Avoid your phone. I say this one out of experience. Not only is the constant need to scroll and fill notifications harmful to your posture, but it's stressful and gives in to the comparison sin. It's a time-waster that does nothing but begat jealousy and gossip. If you feel a need for companionship, make a phone call or do a Skype/Zoom chat to see a loved one. Don't allow this social setback to revert you back to harmful habits. Do the things that make you feel fulfilled and joyous. 

Getting into a daily routine will give you added reasons to get up in the morning. You'll be passing the time while feeling better, both physically and mentally. Make friends with your art again and reconnect with those that you've missed lately. Set aside time to cook and read and plant and explore. Get a calendar or a planner and start filling it in. The world will heal, just like you're healing every day. If you continue to set daily goals, it lays the foundation for a productive re-entry into society. You will come out of this better and more well-rounded, if you allow yourself to. Routines lead to dreams.  

The World Is On Fire, What Do We Do?

Hello, my friends and Valued Readers. It's safe to say that a lot of us are experiencing more turmoil and country-wide divide this week than we have in our lifetimes. Innocent people are being killed. Protests and riots are sweeping the country. The President is close to declaring martial law. Social media is a nasty place, full of threats and opinions. And all of this is happening while Covid-19 is still infecting people. I'm sure these things have sent a lot of us into a dark inward spiral of anxiety and emotions. We are overwhelmed with sad news and information, and there seems to be no escape or end in sight. So how do we cope? What do we do next?

First off, this blog is not going to encompass personal opinions. My self-help writings aren't meant for politics, race relations, or a platform to pick sides. I'm here to help people channel their feelings and push through their tough times. So let's take a quick look at how we can feel better and make a difference. Turning off social media to decompress is important. It's important any time, but especially when it's breeding so much negativity into your life. You're not running away from the problems, you're simply recharging yourself and getting your head into a more relaxed space. So for a few days, replace your normal social media time with naps, showers, reading, housework, TV, or whatever will decompress your mind and body. Focus on you and how you feel, and engage in more beneficial conversations for your mental well being. Don't allow anyone to force you into conversations that can harm your health.

Donate. Some people like to join the protests and rallies. If that's for you, then by all means, do it. But if you're physically or mentally unable to be in the middle of those crowds, there are other ways to help. Maybe you're really into a particular cause and you want to give money to a certain business/organization. Do your research to make sure your time/money is going directly to the source, and give what you can. This is an instant way to help being part of the solution and helping people, without having to engage your world in potentially harmful things.

Vote. No matter what side of the fence you fall on, there's a good chance that you're likely discontent with how things are going in the world right now. Again, spend some time researching the issues that you care about so that you can pick the candidate who best supports your platform. We are very blessed to live in a "free country", so our only civic duty is to pick our leaders. We have primaries coming up, as well as the final election in November. This is the most effective way to have your voice heard and to work toward a positive change. Every vote matters. Don't believe the outdated rhetoric that "every politician is crooked" or "your vote is useless because your candidate lost". If we don't have a hand in picking our leaders, we have no right to complain over how they lead. Don't lose your voice.

Through these things, you will not only feel more rested mentally, but you'll feel more accomplished for having done your part to help the things you love. You'll have made an effort to put yourself at peace, and then made an effort to bring some positive change into not only your life, but the lives of those around you. I hope you're staying safe. Love yourselves, and each other.

-Jason Burke

Love Lost, Is Love Found

There may be nothing more heartbreaking in the world than the end of a relationship. Of all the different tragedies I've spoken about on here, there's something particularly upsetting about lost love. At least in death, we have some type of closure (albeit an uneven one). At least in distance, we can blame the miles between us for not being able to be as active in someone's life. But when there's a breakup, especially an unexpected one, something about it is lingering and unfair, leaving an almost physical pain to go with the emotional one. But as the pain dulls in time, we see that maybe not every effect of a breakup is a terrible one.

We've all been there at least once in our lives. We think we've found our person. Everything seems to cosmically click into place and it all lines up powerfully. We mesh with that person and we even love all their little quirks. We think to ourselves "This person is the one. This person is my person." Then, after months or even years of happiness, they are inexplicably ripped away. They cheated or they changed, or you simply outgrew them. It's a natural order of life, but that doesn't make it any easier. Now you're angry. You feel stupid for being wrong for so long. You feel sad for all the plans that will never happen. You feel empty because your entire daily routine is different now. You feel pain in your heart and restlessness in your mind. You feel like it will never go away. And for a long time, it doesn't.

Now I'm not going to get all Christian on you here. I won't talk about how God had a different plan for you and how He was leading you to your real person. You can rest easy. I'm also not going to spout the old "time heals all wounds" trope, even though it's partially true (to an extent). But what I will say is, that love lost, is love found. What do I mean by that? It's simple. With your partner gone, you have another chance to fall in love with YOU all over again. You have a lot of extra time to devote and love to give, so you can use those to ease the stresses of your own life.

You can focus a little harder on your work to help distract you from the recent changes. You can rediscover hobbies that you'd forgotten about. You can reconnect with old friends who can lighten your burden with similar stories of their own. You get to fill that extra time with all the other things you love, that maybe you'd neglected since your partner didn't share in the joy of them. You get to contemplate your next steps and remember all the things about yourself that you loved. That's the love that you find when you realize that you can count on yourself, too. You aren't one half of a couple, you are one whole you. And that's pretty fantastic.

So take a week to grieve. Feel sad, feel angry, feel melancholy, feel lethargic. Feel, breathe, process, and rest. But then, take the steps to remember who you are. Surround yourself with the things and the people that make you feel PROUD to be you. Then you get to be happy in those quiet moments when you're alone. When you've come to see that love lost, is love found.

-Jason Burke

Boredom Isn't Real

Covid 19. I'm sure you've all heard of it by now. We can't open our phones or turn on the television without hearing about the Coronavirus every four seconds. It's a worldwide pandemic that's shut down our social engagements, our work schedules, and quite frankly, our lives. It's the equivalent to a zombie apocalypse scare that's kept us boarded in our homes like a George Romero movie. While precaution and information are real and important measures, I'm not here to further the endless watering down of this disease with scare tactics. What I'm here to do is to get us to use this downtime in the most effective ways. In every tragedy, there's an opportunity. But in every tragedy, there's also a myriad of different reactions by different types of individuals. I want to debunk one of the most common statements I've seen lately: "I'm so bored". Let me be harshly direct here, boredom isn't real.

Yes, everyone is entitled to deal with tragedies in their own manner. An abrupt change in our daily lives is a jarring and stressful thing. But inside this scary abyss lays a blessing. Since some of us are being forcefully halted from work, and all of us are being locked out of our social gatherings, we have a sudden surplus of time thrown into our laps. How we choose to spend that time is up to us. But to waste it laying around in boredom, is another form of tragedy. Let me delve into why boredom isn't real.

I don't want to lose some of you here with this potentially divisive hot-take, but I must be harsh in order to be clear. People that say they're "bored" are either lazy, confused, or dreadfully unimaginative. There are an endless cornucopia of options at your feet, even when you're stuck in the house. How about taking the time to learn that instrument you've always wished you could play? How about writing, whether it's a new book/movie or poem/journal? What about painting or drawing? With endless time and endless "how to" tutorials on the internet (like WikiHow and YouTube, for starters), we have thousands of teachers and examples for everything you could ever want to learn.

But let's take the creatives out of this for a second. Not everyone is born with the same type of ingenuity or creativity. There are still a plethora of things to catch up on. What about calling that relative you've been promising to stay in touch with? What about cleaning out the garage and finally getting to that kitchen reorganization project? Why not start reading that stack of books on the shelf that are collecting dust? How about looking online for some workouts you can do to stay in shape while the gyms are closed? Now I get it, some people aren't lazy, they just simply don't know where to start. For those people, I implore you to make a list. Sit down and organize a list of things that need done so that you can fill your time productively. You'll feel better and more accomplished instead of overwhelmed in front of the news media.

I'm not shaming the people that want to do self-care things either. There's nothing AT ALL wrong with getting more sleep, binging some movies and playing some video games. We need time to be in ease and enjoyment as well. It's about a healthy balance. So instead of being glued to the TV and feeling helpless, start to fill these valuable days with things that will make you feel less stressed and more useful. As the nation heals from this virus and time passes, we can do the things that start to make our lives feel more complete as well. These are the times that we create the building blocks that will be the foundation that we bounce back on. Be well, my friends. Every day is one step closer to healing.

-Jason Burke 

You Can't Control Others

This is one of the hardest lessons I'll ever talk about on this blog. Not just because it's a disheartening thought that can make you feel both irate and defeated all at once. But mainly because it's a lesson that I haven't quite mastered yet myself. I'm learning and relearning it every day of my existence, and it never stops being cruel. How you treat others has no bearing on how they will treat you. That is a point that I will emphasize over and over in this writing. It doesn't matter what you do, people will respond to you however they want to. 

This cold but realistic principle holds true in any type of relationship. Let's first look at dating. Have you ever been in a relationship where you did everything possible for your partner, and yet they still cheated on you? What about going out of your way to sacrifice and create special moments, only to have your partner nitpick something and ruin the night? That is intrinsic to the human condition of most people. Everyone is wired differently, and not everyone holds the same levels of priority and appreciation. Just because you're giving graciously, does not mean they will be good receivers. 

The same thing goes for friendships. Someone asks you for advice on a rough situation they're in, so you drop whatever you're doing to talk on the phone with them for hours, or put your own work on hold to meet them for drinks. You talk until you're blue in the face, and it seems they've understood and listened to you. Then they turn around and either entirely ignore your heartfelt advice, or somehow make you the scapegoat because you didn't say exactly what they wanted to hear. What about jobs? We often stay late to work overtime, sacrificing our bodies and social lives. This in turn, doesn't get us the adulation and bonus check we deserve, but instead more work and more stress while others call off around us. Unfair, isn't it? But that's the shattering truth here. How you treat others has no bearing on how they will treat you.

Until this thought kicks into your own brain, you will continue bending over backwards and feeling helpless at the result. Not everyone will think or react like you, and you have to stop assuming they will. It doesn't matter how many selfless things you do for someone, it may not be the exact selfless act that they want in that moment. Or there may be one time that you can't help someone, and suddenly they'll focus on that instead of the thousand times that you did help. How do you get over the hurt of that? Quite honestly, you don't. It may get easier in time, but it will always sting every time it happens. That's the vulnerability of human nature. But instead I offer a counter to help heal you. Do those things anyway, but do them for YOU. 

It's true: How you treat others has no bearing on how they will treat you. So maybe you can't win someone's love or appreciation with the things you do for them. But what's also true is that you can define who you are by being someone who loves and helps other people. People suck sometimes, but you can feel better in knowing that you did all you could to make their lives better. So maybe you lost your partner who you gave everything to, but at least you don't have to wonder what else you could've done. Maybe your friend ignored your advice, but take solace in knowing that you gave your best words to comfort them when they needed you. Being a good friend and a good partner says more about you than it does about anyone else. Be proud of yourself for the quality human being that you are. The beauty is in the attempt, no matter what the results are. So focus on the fact that you gave, no matter how they received. That mentality will eventually garner you not only happier relationships with better quality people, but also a newfound pride in yourself for doing the right thing no matter the circumstance. 

I hope you all will learn this as I do my best to learn it along with you. Peace and love everyone, and please stay healthy and safe during this Coronavirus scare. 

-Jason Burke

Your Anxiety Is A Liar

For those of us that grew up in the 70s, 80s, and 90s, times were far simpler than they are today. We ran around in the dirt and drank out of the hose, not worrying about germs. We ate whatever our moms made for dinner and snacked in front of the TV, giving no thought to whether or not it was carb-loaded or gluten free. Our bodies ran on an endless marathon of playtime, and were shut off only by the streetlights turning on, or the sound of our parents screaming for us down the street. Our sadness came when our parents wouldn't let our best friend sleep over. There was no notable anxiety or depression, we were merely upset when our parents wouldn't give us money to chase the ice cream man...and that feeling faded in about 3 or 4 seconds. 

So with the invention of modern technology and added platforms to expose things, came the raised awareness of anxiety. This, in itself, was a blessing. For people who'd been feeling horrible for years, there was now a pinpoint and a place to talk about it. Educating the community on biases, diseases, and mental health is simply one of the greatest things to come out of the 21st century. But as we grow more aware of how to control and subdue these inner demons, they also have found new ways of controlling us. So let me say this up front, Your Anxiety Is A Liar. 

Anxiety is defined as a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome. Per the ADAA, 40 million adults in the United States suffer from anxiety, or over 18% of the population. Anxiety has a way of making people fear or regret things they'd normally learn from or look forward to. It tells you that co-workers don't like you. It tells you that your art isn't good enough. It tells you to stay home and cancel plans with your friends. It tells you that you're a failure. And it's wrong.

To those that are making an honest living, that's a very tough thing to do. You're working to support yourself, and that takes a lot of energy. To those that are painting, writing, playing instruments, or running their own business, be proud. You're doing what most aren't brave enough or equipped enough to do, and you're using long hours to put a service back into the community. To those with a lacking social life, don't blame yourselves just because life has gotten in the way of other people. It's no reflection on you. 

Now I know that simply saying "be proud of yourselves" or "don't be so affected" isn't going to quell these feelings of doubt. That's not how anxiety works. Everyone combats their anxiety in different ways. So try staying busy with new hobbies. Try groups or dating sites, or journals. Get rest, get water, get doctors, and if you need medication, get that too. Do whatever it takes to be healthy and self-sustainable. Talk about your problems, and work with others to find whatever solutions best suit you. But know that the nagging voice inside you that's telling you that you're not good enough is wrong. 

You're enough, just by existing. You're unique and you bring a color and a flavor into other's lives that literally nobody else can. You're one of one. And you've survived a lot already in your time on earth. So if "all" you do today is survive another day, I'm proud of you, and so is everyone else in your life. That fight, that strength, that effort...that's the voice that matters.