Spotting A Toxic Relationship

Love is perhaps the most powerful and sought-after emotion on the planet. No matter how independent or otherwise prioritized we are, the overwhelming majority of us want to find romantic love at some point in our lives. The desire to find someone to share our trials and triumphs with is human nature in its purest form. But sometimes, we get blinded by those desires. We get so caught up in finding a mate or having a quick connection with someone that we overlook signs that this person isn't the right one FOR US. There could be a million excuses to ignore the signs: you may have property, finances, a pet or a child with this person. You may hate the dating scene or want to avoid a messy break-up. You may not want to be alone, or force yourself to see only the good in this partner. But a toxic relationship is truly a stressful and dangerous thing that needs to be taken care of immediately. Here are some signs for spotting this kind of situation in your life.

1. Being scolded for having friends: This one is the most common in toxic partners. People that are toxic in relationships are often very possessive, and want your attention entirely on them. So they'll get extremely angry or jealous when you go to spend time with a friend. Our friends help us through tough times and make up a part of who we are in our memories and experiences. Our partners should love us for having friends, and be happy that we have people in our lives that care about us. The toxic partners will try to take those away and make you feel guilty for being around them, because they want you to be entirely dependent on them alone.

2. Being spoken to disrespectfully: Having arguments in relationships is totally healthy. No two people will ever agree on every single issue. But as adults, we must always be respectful of others' feelings and cognizant of their tender spots. A toxic partner is one that will start swearing at you, being very aggressive, and taking low shots at things that you're sensitive about. Toxic people want the upper hand, and they'll do or say irrational things to get that advantage. They'll store up a list of your faults and use your shortcomings against you, and then apologize later as they try to rationalize why they said it, and deflect the blame onto you. This process repeats itself in any point of contention, so the more passive partner just gives in because they want to avoid a fight. This is verbal and emotional abuse, and can be often times just as harmful (or worse) than physical abuse.

3. Only doing what one partner wants to do: Functional relationships thrive on compromise, a healthy give-and-take between two open-minded people who want to experience the things that the other loves. This can't be a one-sided construct. So if one partner is a homebody and the other is a social butterfly, it takes work to occasionally leave your comfort zone to appease your partner. That butterfly shouldn't be forced to sit in the house every night, and that homebody shouldn't always be drug to the bar. You should be able to converse about how to alternate these activities so that neither partner has to sacrifice who they are or feel stifled. Also, you should be able to do things on occasion without your partner. A couple doesn't have to be attached at the hip 24/7. Independence and separate hobbies/friends is healthy concept.

4. Having to change your behavior: Positive relationships will help you to learn a lot about yourself and evolve. You'll find things out about yourself and your partner that you love, and some that you don't like. So you'll work together through kind communication to be a better person for yourself and for your loved one. But if you're having to cease a normal lifestyle because your partner will fight with you, that's where the unhealthy abuse comes in. If you have to check in every hour, that's abuse. If you can't go out for coffee with family or sit in silence for a twenty minutes, that's abuse. If you walk around every day thinking that everything you do in your normal life is going to trigger a fight with your partner, that's abuse. You're in a relationship, not a prison. If your partner hates everything you do, sprint out of that relationship as fast as you can.

5. Not supporting your successes: A partner is like a best friend, in that they are meant to elevate you and make you feel better about yourself. You should be growing with them, and feeling at peace with them. When you achieve something, they are supposed to share your pride and encourage you to continue to strive. When you are down, they are supposed to comfort you with uplifting advice and affection. If your partner is putting down your accomplishments or ever making you feel like a lesser person, they're toxic. If they're judging you when you're down and blaming you for things when you're low, they're toxic. Toxic people want to strip away all the good things in your life that make you whole, so that they can make you feel like they're the only one who loves you. If they take away the people and things that you love, they have the power of being the only thing you can turn to.

So I hope this helps people. Never settle, and always know your worth. Be with someone who makes you feel like you can do anything, and wants to experience all that life has to offer, together. Be with someone who loves you for who you already are, and supports you in all that you do. Wait for a real, true, mature love. It's worth it, and so are you...

-Jason Burke